Introducing the Penilepgraph

Another seriously thought impaired psychiatric control device. We'll leave it to your imagination as far as how the device is operated.

As seen in this slightly off color, and probably not safe for work website

Imagine this job posting: Wanted, uniformed men to monitor Kobe Bryant's penis on a regular basis. Closer to the truth than you dare imagine....

For me, one of the most bewildering and disturbing aspects of people in authority is the frequency with which they exhibit unbridled stupidity.

Some seriously stupid law enforcement officials in Los Angeles came up with the Penilepgraph, an insane and idiotic idea of periodic sexual arousal testing for a sex offender. An LA judge wanted to make it a condition of parole.

The idea is simple: Some cops sit you down, wrap a pressure-sensitive electronic device around your penis and then they show you porn. If you experience even the slightest degree of tumescence, you are so caught!

Fortunately this sick idea was struck down by a United States court of appeals as "Orwellian." The court felt that while it was appropriate during probation to monitor a sex offender's actions, it was not appropriate to intrude on his mind. The judge also noted that "the procedure violates a prisoner's bodily integrity by affecting his genitals."

While this particular case involving the "penile plethysmography" was challenged in court, it turns out that it is actually in widespread use in about a quarter of sexual-offender programs.

It's also worth noting that if Kobe Bryant had been convicted of rape, he would have been required by Colorado law to submit to this test on a routine basis. I have it on good authority that a team of experts from San Francisco had already volunteered to strap Kobe down and monitor his appendage.

Of course, one might question what man would not experience some degree of arousal when something sensitive is wrapped around his penis. Speaking for myself, if a bunch of cops held me down and wrapped an electronic strip around my penis, they could show me photographs of a grilled cheese sandwich and I'd likely "fail" the test.

But now for the best part. What pervert thought up this ridiculous test? As it turns out the "penile plethysmography" device was invented by a Czech psychiatrist to be used by the former Czechoslovakian communist government to identify and "cure" homosexuals.

Today, Prague, the heart of the Czech Republic is a world center for gay pornography. It seems too few Czech queers were cured.