During A Raid on A Psych Hospital, The FBI has a hard time getting Pizza Delivery

Although everyone thinks of this as a joke, it has been verified by Snopes as a real event

FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.
Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.
Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?
Agent: I have my check book right here.
Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza man: I don't think so.

Click.

As Snopes explains:

Origins: The above-quoted tale about FBI agents trying to arrange for pizza delivery to a psychiatric hospital is one of those pieces that serves to remind us that no matter how bizarre, far-fetched, or incredible a story may seem at first glance, it should never be entirely discounted without at least some effort being made to verify it.

This anecdote began circulating on the Internet in 1995, often attributed to a "Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME" or "a talk by R. James Woolsey, Director of Central Intelligence, given at a conference on global organized crime." We initially reproduced it on our site with no judgment as to its truth or falsity, expecting that it would eventually be revealed as a work of creative fiction by some Internet prankster. To be thorough, we sent a routine inquiry to the FBI's San Diego office about the story and then promptly forgot about it, assuming that the FBI had much better things to do than spend their time debunking silly tales spread via e-mail.

We were quite surprised, therefore, when several weeks later we received a response from FBI Special Agent Wayne A. Barnes, who confirmed for us that the incident described was real and supplied us with additional background detail about it.

In 1993, the FBI was assisting the Department of Health and Human Services in investigating health care fraud. A medical organization that operated psychiatric hospitals in nine different cities had come under suspicion, and law enforcement agencies had scheduled coordinated raids on all nine of those facilities to take place on the same day (so that none of the hospitals could alert the others). The unexpectedly high volume of records seized in a morning raid on the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in Chula Vista, California, meant that the investigation there turned into an all-day affair. When the agent in charge of the operation realized his men were running on empty after long hours with no food, he attempted to order pizza from a local delivery outfit, placing the call now immortalized in this piece. Contrary to what is stated in most versions of this piece, though, the FBI was not taping all of the hospital's calls that day; the conversation reproduced above was reconstructed from the memories of agents present at the event.

And yes, the FBI men did get their pizzas, but the food was not delivered to the hospital — several agents had to drive over to the restaurant and pick up their pies.

Comedy TV: Beverly Hillbillies Season 1 Episode 34 - The Psychiatrist Gets Clampetted

Classic American TV Comedy Show

The show was ranked #1 and attracted as many as 60 million viewers per week. The Clampett Clan included Buddy Ebsen (Jed), Irene Ryan ("Granny"), Max Baer Jr. (Jethro), Donna Douglas (Elly May). Also starred Raymond Bailey (Milburn Drysdale), and Nancy Kulp (Jane Hathaway)

In this episode, Jethro finally gets his bill of health from Dr. Twombly so he can graduate the fifth grade, but Twombly really wants to talk to Grannie again. Drysdale brings him to the Clampetts' just as Grannie showed Pearl how to use a love potion, so everyone thinks Twombly's interest in Grannie is love.

Abbott and Costello at the Psychiatrist's Office

A small amount of Satire

10 Mind-Boggling Psychiatric Treatments

As posted on Mental Floss

Nobody ever claimed a visit to the doctor was a pleasant way to pass the time. But if you're timid about diving onto a psychiatrist's couch or paranoid about popping pills, remember: It could be worse. Like getting-a-hole-drilled-into-your-skull worse.

Gems include Insulin-Coma Therapy, Malaria Therapy, Chemically Induced Seizures, and of course, Lobotomy Check out the link for the full article

Peter Cook & Dudley Moore Psychiatry Satire (Aversion Therapy)

Hey there's big money in Drug Advertising -- Want Some??

We have come across this splendid little satire in which you can write you own drug commercial or invent your own drug print ad.

All courtesy of the fine folks at Ad Freaks who describe it this way.

The new fun thing online, apparently, is creating one's own fake drugs. A few months back, I created Dave-agra ("Dave" plus "Viagra." Don't ask!) at GetYourDrugOn.com, a site created by Door No. 3 for Cedra, a real overnight medical firm. The resulting phony slick print ad was fairly amusing.

Now, Holton Sentivan + Gury's self-promo site raises the dosage (ha!) by letting users make their own Big Pharma live-action TV spots. "There's money in drug advertising," the site explains. Fair enough.

My drug, flogged in the video above, is called Daveoxyn. The guy in the faux spot doesn't really look like me, but he captures my inner malaise and fear of losing what's left of my hair. At the end of the ad, he's shown blissed out and drooling, which is always my goal on Saturday night. If this were a Tylenol spot, sales would skyrocket. It would also probably work for Pepsi.

Psychiatrist Discovers New Planet, Blames Its Erratic Orbit On Chemical Imbalance

As seen on the Spoof website

While looking through the main telescope of the Winkenblinken Public Observatory last month, prominent psychiatrist A. Gorden Crumgranit discovered a previously unknown planet revolving around a nearby star. Astronomers have confirmed that the planet, tentatively named "Pfizer-Glaxo", had never been charted before. They say Dr. Crumgranit was looking through the telescope at just the right moment to see starlight reflecting off of it.

Since that time, more powerful telescopes at better known observatories have been aimed at the planet, and they have found that it seems to have a very unusual and irregular orbit. Most astronomers interviewed about the planet have said they believe that it's erratic orbit is probably a sign of another, yet undiscovered, nearby star or large planet exerting a countervailing gravitational pull on it.

Dr. Crumgranit, however, says he believes the eccentricity is a sign of a chemical imbalance deep beneath the planet's surface. He said he thought the planet may have a deficiency of lithium in the elements that make up it's core, or perhaps too much iron, or some wrongly located serotonin. "Whatever it is," he said, "it is definitely something inside the planet that is causing this anomalie. Planets just don't behave this way unless there's something wrong with them."

When reporters inquired about the source of the proposed name, Winkenblinken Director Matt Grunion said it was Dr. Crumgranit's suggestion. Apparently he wanted to name the planet after the employers of the drug company representatives who had been buying him expensive dinners at posh area restaurants every day that week. So far there have been no objections, and revised astronomical charts are expected to show planet Pfizer-Glaxo on them in the near future.

School — 1957 vs. 2007

Quoted because of the observations on the psych abuse, but also because of the insights on political correctness As seen on Los Cuatro Ojos

Scenario #1:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark… Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario #2:

Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal… Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin… Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario #3:

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse… Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang… State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison… Billy’s Mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario #4:

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations… Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario #5:

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher… English banned from core curriculum… Pedro given diploma anyway… but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario #6:

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home… computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario #7:

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary… Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison… Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

More Psychiatrist Jokes

(Be sure to check out our full collection of Psychiatrist Jokes)

Some more jokes about Psychiatrists:

---

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died. "

"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.

"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you. "

---

Two psychiatrists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychiatrist looks old, worried and withered.

The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."

The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

---

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.

He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

---

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

---

FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. (verified true by Snopes)

The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.
Click.

A Bit of Fry & Laurie - What Psychiatrists Actually Do

A bit of a Satire on Psychiatrist as seen on You Tube:



As someone said, "Ok... for reals... this is what Therapists actually do."

Unborn Child Diagnosed With Fetal Bipolar Disorder

Great Satire, as posted on this Blog. Again Tip of the hat to Furious Seasons

Jake and Mandi Donaldson were overjoyed when they learned that their dream of building a family would soon be realized. That joy rapidly turned to concern when the fetus began to exhibit bizarre behaviors that kept Mandi Donaldson awake late into the night. Doctors could not explain these episodes, despite numerous ultrasounds and maternal serum testing. The expectant couple finally found answers to their questions when the fetus was diagnosed with Fetal Bipolar Disorder.

The fetus, who Mandi Donaldson has named Piper, demonstrated extreme mood swings as early as 20 weeks. “Sometimes she would just lie there for hours, and other times she just couldn’t be still. She was completely erratic.” The symptoms worsened as the weeks went by with Piper’s agitation growing progressively stronger. “She started kicking me in the kidney over and over again. I knew something was definitely wrong, but I never suspected mental illness. I thought she was just a little shit.”

Dr. Matthew Pearson, chair of the newly developed Fetal Psychiatry Department at Johns Hopkins, says this type of behavior is characteristic of Fetal Bipolar Disorder. “These fetuses are very sick and very difficult to care for. They rapidly cycle between depression and mania, causing extreme distress for their mothers, including heartburn and frequent urge to urinate.”

Although the diagnosis of Fetal Bipolar Disorder has been in use since 2005, it gained much attention last month when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report showing that the number of new diagnoses had increased 300% in the past two years. The rising rates of Fetal Bipolar Disorder have been met with alarm by obstetricians who say that more research is needed in the field now that the diagnosis is being applied on a wide scale. Bart Mohan of the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology suggests that the current estimates of the prevalence of the disease may fall drastically short of the true number of cases.

“Look, we don’t know how many fetuses are affected by this disease. It could be thousands. There may be thousands more with subclinical symptoms. We need to develop standards of practice in treating these cases, but we can’t do that until we have accurate and reliable screening procedures. Obviously, the standard of practice is going to be immediate C-Section, but we at least need to give the impression we’re being scientific about it.”

Dr. Pearson agrees. He says treating a fetus with antipsychotics, the class of drugs often used for Bipolar Disorder, isn’t ethical. “We can’t force a fetus to take potentially harmful medications. We can force pregnant women to take the pills, but the drugs don’t pass the placental barrier well enough to be effective. We can more easily force infants to take medication, which is why we recommend delivering the baby early so that psychotropic therapy can start as soon as possible. Once they’re outside of the womb, we really don’t see it as an ethical problem.”

Still others question the validity of the diagnosis itself. Mary Jensen, spokesperson for Ohio Advocates for Mental Health Care Reform, believes there is little basis for diagnosing fetuses with psychiatric disease. “Are you ######## kidding? Seriously. Are you ####### kidding me?”

For Mandi and Jake Donaldson the evidence is clear. After weeks of worry, Mandi Donaldson is scheduled to deliver her baby on Monday. The Donaldsons say they were saddened at first, but now they feel comfortable raising a special-needs child.

“We will do everything possible to make sure our baby gets the best treatment available. She may never be normal, but we will always find joy in her,” said Mandi Donaldson.

Jake Donaldson added, “It’s just such a relief to finally have a diagnosis.”

Therapeutic Efficacy of Cash in the Treatment of Anxiety and Depressive Disorders: Two Case Studies

A report from the Bonkers Institute for Nearly Genuine Research that discusses two cases in which complete relief from depression was achieved following the administration of large sums of money to the patients. Methodius Isaac Bonkers, M.D., Principal Investigator

Depression and anxiety are the most common mental disorders in America, affecting more than 60 million patients every year. Pharmacological interventions dominate the medical management of these disorders and may include selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (Prozac), norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (Strattera), monoamine oxidase inhibitors (Emsam), benzodiazepines (Valium), azaspirodecanediones (BuSpar), and any number of similarly efficacious drugs or drug combinations prescribed in accordance with strict FDA guidelines, or not, based on the treating physician's better judgment.

Since mental illness is a lifelong condition with no known cure, the successful psychopharmacological management of disorders such as depression or anxiety can be challenging. Treatment with medication almost inevitably results in side effects requiring additional medications leading to additional side effects necessitating still more medications in a self-perpetuating cycle that finally ends when the patient dies or the insurance runs out.

This report discusses two cases in which complete symptomatic relief was achieved following the administration of large sums of money to the patients. The comparative safety, efficacy, and tolerability of cash is assessed. Based on our findings, the clinical utility of monetary incentives in the form of cash deposits or lump sum payments directly to patients should be reappraised as a viable alternative therapeutic modality for the treatment of mild, moderate or severe cases of anxiety with or without co-occurring depression. Cash payment should also be considered the treatment of choice for all major depressive disorders including mild, moderate and severe clinical or sub-clinical depression, depressed moods, or any and all dysthymic, cyclothymic or depressive symptoms appearing with or without comorbid anxiety disorders.

Case report 1:

The patient is a 52-year old male with a history of depression. He reported feeling sad at various times throughout his life but did not seek treatment until age 51, when the factory where he had worked for 23 years was permanently shut down, costing him his pension and health insurance the same year his wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The patient was initially prescribed Paxil 20 mg, but after complaining of sleeplessness and expressing suicidal ideation, the dosage was increased to Paxil 40mg with Ambien 10mg prescribed for insomnia. Depressive symptoms improved somewhat, but constant diarrhea, headache and nausea grew intolerable, so a switch from Paxil to Zoloft 50mg was tried. Within 5 weeks the therapeutic effects of Zoloft became readily apparent: the patient stopped worrying about the future and no longer seemed concerned about his wife's failing health. Numerous treatment-emergent side effects were observed but the patient was reassured by his physician that chest pain, skin rash, constipation, tremor, dry mouth, hypertension and palpitations were not life threatening. One month later, pharmacotherapy was discontinued because the patient refused further treatment, claiming to be cured after winning $200,000 in the Illinois State Lottery. A computed tomographic brain scan confirmed the patient had indeed fully recovered (see images below).

[image] Brain scan of depressed patient.
[image] Brain scan of lottery winner

Case report 2:

The patient is a 27-year old female diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. She reported feeling nervous and fearful most of the time, constantly worried about one thing or another, and doubted her fitness as a single mother of four children aged 1-4. The patient responded well to Xanax 0.25mg with only minor side effects including dizziness, impaired coordination, and blurred vision. One month into treatment, the positive effects of Xanax 0.25mg diminished noticeably, but symptoms again improved when the dosage was doubled to 0.5mg. Two weeks later, following a traffic accident for which she was ticketed, the patient reported feeling more anxious than ever, complained of nausea and vomiting in addition to increased dizziness and blurred vision, and now exhibited signs of depression as well. After several difficult weeks the patient was weaned off Xanax, whereupon combination therapy with Lexapro 10mg and Cymbalta 60mg was initiated. At the regularly scheduled 3-month follow-up examination, all symptoms of anxiety and nervousness had completely disappeared. The patient reported zero medication side effects, explaining that she had discarded the unopened packages of Lexapro and Cymbalta upon learning she had inherited $250,000 from a distant relative. Laboratory tests were unable to verify any causal link between the inheritance of a quarter of a million dollars and the patient's subsequent recovery, but ongoing clinical evaluation and comprehensive reassessment confirmed significant improvement from baseline. Positive outcome was corroborated by visual examination of a mood ring worn by the patient (see images below).

[image] Suffering from chronic anxiety, patient's mood ring appears green, indicating tension.
[image] After inheriting $250,000, patient's mood ring appears blue, indicating tranquility.

Analysis and Conclusions

The brain chemistry of depression and anxiety is not fully understood. However, a growing body of evidence supports the view that people with these disorders have an imbalance of the brain's neurotransmitters. (Lexapro Product Brochure, Forest Pharmaceuticals, 2007.)

Psychiatric medications relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety by restoring chemical balance within the brain, but exactly how these drugs restore the brain's chemical balance while simultaneously wreaking havoc on every other organ in the body remains a mystery. Equally mysterious is the mechanism by which cash payments provide therapeutic benefit to depressed and anxious patients. The receipt of a large sum of money may somehow stimulate, increase, block, adjust or otherwise act upon the level, supply, transmission, inhibition, secretion or bodily excretion of dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, acetylcholine, gamma-aminobutyric acid, dihydrogen monoxide, propylene glycol or some other chemical compound yet to be discovered.

Elation and euphoria are the most common side effects associated with cash. The favorable side effect profile and high response rate compared to placebo are the main advantages of cash over standard pharmaceutical treatment, while the major disadvantage of cash would appear to be its prohibitive cost. However, retrospective analysis supports the hypothesis that over the long haul cash is not only safer but also more cost-effective than any medication currently on the market.

A depressed and/or anxious patient is typically maintained for an indefinite period of time on two or more psychiatric drugs simultaneously, in addition to numerous other medications prescribed to control side effects ranging from diabetes to high blood pressure to urinary incontinence to insomnia to everything in between. The cost of maintaining a patient on a standard treatment regimen of half a dozen or more prescription drugs might easily surpass $1,200 per month, amounting to roughly $150,000 over the course of ten years, or nearly $300,000 after 20 years. Seen in this light, a lump sum payment of $100,000 or even $200,000 would be a genuine bargain by comparison. Cash-strapped state Medicaid programs squeezed by escalating pharmaceutical costs would be well-advised to adopt formulary guidelines and preferred drug lists authorizing pre-approved cash payments as a treatment alternative.

In a random survey, 3,964 Medicaid patients were asked whether they would prefer to receive various combinations of prescription drugs for the rest of their lives, or a single lump sum payment of $250,000. The vast majority (99.93%) chose the cash option. A total of 3 patients (0.07%) elected to continue receiving medications in lieu of cash. All three of these patients appeared to be truly sick, and in each case the illness was iatrogenic (i.e., resulting from treatment).

Of course, this is a satire.

Dr. Phil has nervous breakdown during taping of his show psychoanalyzing reasons for Miley Cyrus's name change

Satire from the Spoof website:

Although Miley Cyrus's name change barely registering on the media's radar as a blip, Dr. Phil may have just finished taping his last show dedicated to examining the tidbits of the fractured life of yet another celebrity. All in a vain attempt to appease his (and our) subconscious fetish with them.

At this last taping, the studio audience must have sensed Dr. Phil's Achilles heal as they sat nervously quiet during the entire three hour marathon taping without being permitted leave their seats even to take a bathroom break behind chain locked studio doors.

"Come on people, if I have been over this once, I have been over this a thousand times today," said Dr. Phil, his wife noticeably missing from the studio and looking disheveled wearing a short sleeved shirt without his customary tie and business suit jacket. "Now I'm not letting you all out of here until you agree with me."

"Dr. Phil acted like a mad man," said Marie Hernandez, who finally was released from the Dr. Phil studio after the fire department cut the chains from the studio doors, citing the show's producers for a safety code violation. "We were all scared to death. We didn't know what to think or do. So we just sat there the entire time hoping somebody would notice that 100 people were missing for over three hours."

The show's producers attempted to explain that Dr. Phil just could not seem to get over the Britney Spears incident and in recent months had been unsuccessfully treating himself.

"In my experience, as a fully credentialed psychiatrist," said Dr. Phil. "It is not too uncommon of a practice for an individual to change their name to psychologically distance themselves away from their family and so-called friends that stab you in the back on a national morning TV show. That's why I'm taking this opportunity to announce that I have decided to support Miley Cyrus's decision to change her name by joining her in changing my name too. From now on, I'm no longer Dr. Phil. I am Dr. Punxsutawney Phil."

Dr. Phil then existed the studio stage floor as the fire department entered through the doors, but before he disappeared from sight, Dr. Phil turned back glancing over the studio once more and saying to the audience, "You won't be seeing me around here for a while. Not even my shadow."

No one has filed charges against Dr. Phil for false imprisonment; or are any expected ever to be filed because audience members all signed waivers, said the show's producers.

Satire - Restraining Order Filed Against Psychiatrist Dr. Phil.

Yet another satirical piece about Dr. Phil from The Spoof:

Just moments after a representative for the Spears family, appeared on the "Today" show, accusing Dr. Phil of betraying Britney and the Spears' family trust, lawyers for the Spears filed for a temporary restraining order (TRO) in the Los Angeles Superior Court against him.

Filings ask the court to order Dr. Phil to say at least 100 yards away form anyone of the Spears family members, including the unborn child Jamie Lynn Spears is carrying to term.

According to court pleadings, the Spears family alleges that Dr. Phil has been stalking them for months now under the guise of treating their dysfunctional family for various substance additions and disorders.

"At first we welcomed Dr. Phil into our homes, hearts and minds," read the Spears' court documents. "We trusted him implicitly with all our secret drug addictions, alcoholism, underage pre-martial sex with male adults, acute stage mom syndrome, mass hysteria and delusions of grandeur, but he betrayed us."

Dr. Phil was just using the Spears family to forward his own career as psychiatrist to the stars and bring up the ratings on his show, according to the documents.

"We first began to suspect Dr. Phil of stalking us when he kept on insisting on asking us for our autographs after each and every session," stated the court papers. "He said it was his fee for his services rendered, but we knew what it was really for. He was collecting our signatures on the checks we wrote to him to sell on ebay."

Canceled checks written to Dr. Phil from the Spears family were submitted to the court as evidence for the TRO.

Even more startling is the Spears' allegation that Dr. Phil is a serial celebrity stalker. The Spears' reason that Dr. Phil was really using his professional medical training to help celebrities not just stalk them, they would have been cured by now.

"He is using his professional medical training just to get close to Hollywood movie stars, which he really has no intention of helping or curing," the Spears' accuse. "Why just take a look at us, we have been under his care for several months now, and we're worst off than before. Britney still lost custody of the kids, had a breakdown and Lynn has a bun in the oven from a guy who should be in prison for statuary rape."

We also remind people, that, as documented in Wikipedia, Dr. Phil McGraw is NOT licensed to practice psychology:

The Texas State Board of Examiners of Psychologists imposed disciplinary sanctions on McGraw on January 27, 1989 for an inappropriate "dual relationship" reported in 1988 by a therapy client/employee from 1984. McGraw was ordered by the Board to take an ethics class, pass a jurisprudence exam, complete a physical evaluation, undergo a psychological evaluation and have his practice supervised for one year in order to continue his private practice in Texas. McGraw admits to giving the client a "job" at his office (which is not allowed), but denied carrying on a sexual relationship with the 19 year old, who says their relationship was "sexually inappropriate."[11][2][12] As of 2008, McGraw has not completed the conditions imposed by the Board of Examiners of Psychologists and he is not licensed to practice psychology.[13]

And in something that is not satire, but could very well be, Dr. Phil tackles the toughest subject of all: Trash talk and "racism" on Xbox Live. Too bad Xbox Live has had a 95% downtime so far this year. Gamers around the world are snickering at this one, and Dr. Phil is becoming famous as the next Jerry Springer

A Transcript From Dr. Phil’s Cancelled ‘Britney’ Episode

In a hopefully final note, we came across this satire of Dr Phil and his handling of the Britney Spears case:

In case you missed the memo, today’s episode of “Dr. Phil,” which was supposed to be a full hour devoted to Britney and her current situation, was yanked from the air and replaced by a repeat at the last minute because Dr. Phil felt the situation was “too intense.”

Just so we don’t go home completely empty-handed, here’s an artist’s conception of what we missed.

DR. PHIL: Welcome to the show. Today, we’re spending the entire hour talking about Britney Spears with those who know her best — these random tv psychologists who we managed to book at the last minute.

PSYCHOLOGIST GUY WHO LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE THE BRITISH JUDGE ON “DANCING WITH THE STARS”: Glad to be here, Dr. Phil.

DR. PHIL: Let’s talk about Britney. I mean, what is her deal, yo? [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES AT COMFORTABLE, GOOD-NATURED UNPROFESSIONALISM] I mean, what the hell, dammit?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Let me start by saying that numerous layers of psychological, emotional, spiritual, and even frenological factors come into play when you’re dealing with a celebrity of this magnitude.

[CHYRON APPEARS - “Dr. James R. Stephenson, Blazer-Wearing Man Who Has Heard Of Britney]

DR. PHIL: But damnit, at what point is enough enough??

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AFTER 1.5 SECONDS OF APPLAUSE-MILKING SILENCE]

PSYCHOLOGIST: We see this all the time in celebrities. I spent two years reading about Loni Anderson back when that whole thing was going on, so I know how tough it can be, there simply is no quick fix.

DR. PHIL: We all know Britney has a terrific, supportive family, but at some point you have to say, you know, “What the hell am I doin’? I need to knock it off!”

[ONE PERSON IMMEDIATELY STARTS APPLAUDING REALLY LOUDLY, REST OF AUDIENCE FOLLOWS SUIT]

DR. PHIL: We’ll be right back.

[LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR OUTRO. THE OPTIMUM ONLINE TRIPLE PLAY COMMERCIAL PLAYS SEVEN TIMES. LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR INTRO]

DR. PHIL: We learned a lot today about Britney’s situation — probably 10, 15 percent of this we didn’t even cover the last time we devoted an entire hour-long episode to Britney.

The point is, the harder I try to draw psychological paralells between Britney’s craziness and general, everyday advice for our viewers, the more clear it becomes that these Britney episodes are completely irredeemable ratings ploys. Not that that’s a secret or anything, but damnit, why the hell does it have to be so obvious??

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

Dr. Phil: Tomorrow, we’ll bring Dick Masterson and that black woman who hates blacks into the studio to discuss the psychology of lesbian threesomes, and whether or not troubled pop star Britney Spears would go for one. The episode will be so technological and informative, simply watching it qualifies your for 9 Psych credits at any state university. So stay tuned.

[LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR OUTRO LONG VERSION PLAYS, TURNS INTO ROCKIN’ ELECTRIC GUITAR OVERTOP APPLAUSE AND THE CREDITS. NINETY MINTUES OF THE OPTIMUM ONLINE TRIPLE PLAY AD PLAYS ON A LOOP.]

Dr. Phil psychoanalyzes kid who started So. California wildfires before a studio audience: arsonist, or just a mischievous 9-year-old boy?

A satire from the Spoof website

American's favorite country psychiatrist, Dr. Phil, volunteered to psychoanalyze kid who started Southern California wildfires to determine if he is in fact an arsonist or just a mischievous 9-year-old boy who should not have been playing with matches during fire season and in especially high winds. The diagnoses took place on a Burbank studio back lot before a live audience of the Dr. Phil Show taped for later broadcast.

"Well, I can tell you it is my professional opinion, as a licensed and fully accredited psychiatrist, that the boy is no arsonist," said Dr. Phil to an applauding studio audience.

"Now, normally I would recommend hundreds of billing hours worth of psycho therapy that would amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars paid out to me," continued Dr. Phil. "But the boy's folks are dirt poor. So this is what I'm going to recommend to y'all is that I take the boy out behind the shed I had especially had constructed just for this occasion right here on our Burbank studio lot for a good old fashion whipping. In fact, with the parents consent, I'm going to do that right now. Now where did I put my switch?"

At that point, the 9-year-old boy bolted from the stage and into the studio audience with Dr. Phil in hot pursuit.

"That's right, you better run boy!" said Dr. Phil. "Because I'm your worst nightmare, a licensed and fully accredited psychiatrist with a signed and notarized waiver from your parents that says I can give you a whipping for starting that fire."

Audience members then joined Dr. Phil in chasing the boy throughout the studio until he ran outside.

It was dusk by then so Dr. Phil and his studio audience took a moment to light up their torches he prescribes to his studio audience members as parting gifts to remember his show by and use back at their villages to burn witches or storm any nearby castle that houses any enlightened well reasoned out thought.

Dr. Phil paused to caution his studio audience on the uses of his prescription torches while he lit his up.

"Now remember, 'said Dr. Phil while lighting his torch. "Y'all are only supposed to use these patent pending medically subscribed 'Dr. Phil Soothing Menthol Scented Medical Torches' of mine in a state of panic, or when you take leave of your senses, or during thoughtless moments filled with rage. Not emotional outbursts or when you're think you're not thinking rationally. We got drugs for that. No. These prescription torches are for mindless mob action only. Y'all got that. Good. Now someone lend me there lighter, mine's all out of fluid."

At last reports, the boy was headed to the Hollywood Hills with Dr. Phil and his studio audience in pursuit, still with torches in hand and a camera crew in tow.

Science proves people's brains equivalent to Jell-O

Reposting an amusing bit from the adventures of modern psychiatry:

As seen online at the Jello Musuem and elsewhere:

March 17, 1993, technicians at St. Jerome hospital in Batavia [NY] test a bowl of lime Jell-O with an EEG machine and confirm the earlier testing by Canadian Doctor Adrian Upton in 1969 that a dome of wiggly Jell-O has brain waves identical to those of adult men and women. In 1969, Dr. Upton connected an electroencephalograph (EEG) to a dome of lime Jell-O, only to find the readings to be almost identical to those of healthy human beings.

This is not quite correct. To be picky, the signals observed are identical to brain waves. There is obviously no brain in a bowl of jello.

Also as originally reported in Mother Earth News back in 1976

THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR MODERN MEDICINE . . . OR IS THERE?

Dr. Adrian Upton, professor of neurology at MacMasters University in Hamilton, Ontario, recently rigged a brain wave machine, artificial respirators, and intravenous feeding equipment to a bowl of lime jello about the size of a human brain, and—gasp!—recorded readings typical of those emitted by a living person. In fact, the good doctor noted, the results of the electronic analysis would not have qualified the dessert as sufficiently "dead" to have the life-sustaining plugs pulled under existing legal guidelines!

Apparently the Smithsonian once held a symposium on Jell-O where 1993 results were confirmed.

(Note - Dr. Upton is NOT a fictitious Doctor. He has had a long career at McMasters University)

What an electroencephalograph machine (or EEG) does is measure electrical activity in the brain. This is probably useful for something, though I’m not sure what.

Of course, the experiment proved that EEGs are quite susceptible to environmental interference. But it seems amusing that brain scientists are using this to try to detect thoughts. How much phenomena is attributed to the mere monitoring of environmental noise?

And confirming anything from the pre-internet era is a bit difficult.

Further Details:

March 17, 1993, technicians at St. Jerome hospital in Batavia test a bowl of lime Jell-O with an EEG machine and confirm earlier testing by Dr. Adrian Upton that showed that a bowl of Jell-O has brain waves identical to those of adult men and women.

The Psychiatric Stereotype: As seen from inside the medical professions

From an ongoing series

Medical Specialty Stereotype #4: Psychiatry

Click on the picture for a full size version

Introducing Anti-Government Phobia

Another Satirical Disease that might be coming to a shrink near you. (note the author's name Ivor E. Tower = Ivory Tower) As seen here:

This study conclusively demonstrates that unfounded fear of government is a recognizable mental illness, closely related to paranoid schizophrenia. Anti-Government Phobia (AGP) differs from most mental illnesses, however, in that it is highly infectious and has an acute onset. [...]

Having the patient committed to a qualified mental health institution is the best option for family and loved ones. For this reason, all psychiatrists and family physicians should be provided with educational materials which will help them recognize the various symptoms and warning signs accompanying onset. Since comparatively little is known about Anti-Government Phobia at the present time, a government-funded health commission should be set up to oversee, and help focus, future research.

Full satire at the link

First Person Shooter Syndrome

A satirical post featuring another invented psychological disease. As seen in Robot People Magazine

In the virtual gaming world, a plague has ravaged the population, and this time, head crabs and flaming skulls that turn you into Zombies are not the problem. The new illness is a psycological one. It is called 'FPSS' or 'First Person Shooter Syndrome.'

"We're seeing FPSS cases popping up everywhere," said Dr. Duke Freeman, head of psychology at John Hopkins University. "I mean, it has been around since the early 90s, but it has gotten significantly worse since the improvement of graphics, the invention of better physics engines and more immersive environments."

According to Dr.Freeman, FPSS is a psychological condition that causes games to feel like they are in a first person shooter, when they are really walking around in the real world. FPSS can apparently lead to paranoia and aversion to certain surroundings such as railroads and industrial warehouses.

Jacob McEwen knows first hand the trouble FPSS poses to gamers. He has had it since playing the popular game Half-Life 2 for 35 hours straight.

"It is weird, i know it's completly irrational, but I'm totally averse to big, industrial settngs now. Anything that looks rusted out or rickety, it freaks me out. Whenever I walk into dark rooms, I instinctivly reach for my flashlight and my gun, then I realize I don't actually carry either," said McEwen. "I was walking through a supermarket a few days after my HL2 marathon and I saw a bunch of first-aid kits on the floor. Someone had knocked them over by accident I guess. My first reaction though was 'oh ####! A bunch of medikits. Something ####ing tough must be coming up soon!'It really scared me."

McEwen has also had several problems with simply getting into his own home.

"I remember I came home after going to a party or something, and I had locked my front door before leaving. I was so pissed when I tried the handle and found it locked. I thought "SHIT! Now I have to go all over the fucking place looking for another entrance!" It didn't even occur to me that I could use my keys."

He has had similar trouble when trying to get over the waist high wall in the back yard when he or his roommate throws their frisbee too far. McEwen spends hours looking for ramps or short ladders before he realizes he can climb.

According to McEwen, he often finds himself reaching for a non-existant gravity gun to get things from accross the room when he feels too lazy to get up off the couch.

"I don't believe that FPSS makes a person more violent or physically agressive," said Dr.Freeman. "I think it just increases your fear of abandoned buildings, sewers, and explosive barrels."

However, vocal anti-videogame activist and "lawyer" Jack Thompson disagrees. After reading the public report on FPSS, Thompson spoke out.

"FPSS proves that video games are responsible for all murders ever. In history."

When informed that First Person Shooters have only existed for the last 15-20 years, Thompson screamed that we were lying homosexuals, then sued us for criminal harrasment.