Unborn Child Diagnosed With Fetal Bipolar Disorder

Great Satire, as posted on this Blog. Again Tip of the hat to Furious Seasons

Jake and Mandi Donaldson were overjoyed when they learned that their dream of building a family would soon be realized. That joy rapidly turned to concern when the fetus began to exhibit bizarre behaviors that kept Mandi Donaldson awake late into the night. Doctors could not explain these episodes, despite numerous ultrasounds and maternal serum testing. The expectant couple finally found answers to their questions when the fetus was diagnosed with Fetal Bipolar Disorder.

The fetus, who Mandi Donaldson has named Piper, demonstrated extreme mood swings as early as 20 weeks. “Sometimes she would just lie there for hours, and other times she just couldn’t be still. She was completely erratic.” The symptoms worsened as the weeks went by with Piper’s agitation growing progressively stronger. “She started kicking me in the kidney over and over again. I knew something was definitely wrong, but I never suspected mental illness. I thought she was just a little shit.”

Dr. Matthew Pearson, chair of the newly developed Fetal Psychiatry Department at Johns Hopkins, says this type of behavior is characteristic of Fetal Bipolar Disorder. “These fetuses are very sick and very difficult to care for. They rapidly cycle between depression and mania, causing extreme distress for their mothers, including heartburn and frequent urge to urinate.”

Although the diagnosis of Fetal Bipolar Disorder has been in use since 2005, it gained much attention last month when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report showing that the number of new diagnoses had increased 300% in the past two years. The rising rates of Fetal Bipolar Disorder have been met with alarm by obstetricians who say that more research is needed in the field now that the diagnosis is being applied on a wide scale. Bart Mohan of the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology suggests that the current estimates of the prevalence of the disease may fall drastically short of the true number of cases.

“Look, we don’t know how many fetuses are affected by this disease. It could be thousands. There may be thousands more with subclinical symptoms. We need to develop standards of practice in treating these cases, but we can’t do that until we have accurate and reliable screening procedures. Obviously, the standard of practice is going to be immediate C-Section, but we at least need to give the impression we’re being scientific about it.”

Dr. Pearson agrees. He says treating a fetus with antipsychotics, the class of drugs often used for Bipolar Disorder, isn’t ethical. “We can’t force a fetus to take potentially harmful medications. We can force pregnant women to take the pills, but the drugs don’t pass the placental barrier well enough to be effective. We can more easily force infants to take medication, which is why we recommend delivering the baby early so that psychotropic therapy can start as soon as possible. Once they’re outside of the womb, we really don’t see it as an ethical problem.”

Still others question the validity of the diagnosis itself. Mary Jensen, spokesperson for Ohio Advocates for Mental Health Care Reform, believes there is little basis for diagnosing fetuses with psychiatric disease. “Are you ######## kidding? Seriously. Are you ####### kidding me?”

For Mandi and Jake Donaldson the evidence is clear. After weeks of worry, Mandi Donaldson is scheduled to deliver her baby on Monday. The Donaldsons say they were saddened at first, but now they feel comfortable raising a special-needs child.

“We will do everything possible to make sure our baby gets the best treatment available. She may never be normal, but we will always find joy in her,” said Mandi Donaldson.

Jake Donaldson added, “It’s just such a relief to finally have a diagnosis.”