Abbott and Costello at the Psychiatrist's Office

A small amount of Satire

Peter Cook & Dudley Moore Psychiatry Satire (Aversion Therapy)

Hey there's big money in Drug Advertising -- Want Some??

We have come across this splendid little satire in which you can write you own drug commercial or invent your own drug print ad.

All courtesy of the fine folks at Ad Freaks who describe it this way.

The new fun thing online, apparently, is creating one's own fake drugs. A few months back, I created Dave-agra ("Dave" plus "Viagra." Don't ask!) at GetYourDrugOn.com, a site created by Door No. 3 for Cedra, a real overnight medical firm. The resulting phony slick print ad was fairly amusing.

Now, Holton Sentivan + Gury's self-promo site raises the dosage (ha!) by letting users make their own Big Pharma live-action TV spots. "There's money in drug advertising," the site explains. Fair enough.

My drug, flogged in the video above, is called Daveoxyn. The guy in the faux spot doesn't really look like me, but he captures my inner malaise and fear of losing what's left of my hair. At the end of the ad, he's shown blissed out and drooling, which is always my goal on Saturday night. If this were a Tylenol spot, sales would skyrocket. It would also probably work for Pepsi.

More Psychiatrist Jokes

(Be sure to check out our full collection of Psychiatrist Jokes)

Some more jokes about Psychiatrists:

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A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died. "

"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.

"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you. "

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Two psychiatrists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychiatrist looks old, worried and withered.

The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."

The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"

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A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.

He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

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Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

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FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. (verified true by Snopes)

The following telephone conversation took place:

Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.

Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.

Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?

Agent: I have my check book right here.

Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza man: I don't think so.
Click.

Another Psychiatrist Joke

“Great news, Mr. Oscarson,” the psychiatrist reported. “After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You’ll never be trapped by the desire to steal again.”

“Gee, that’s great, Doc.” the patient replied.

“And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You’ll see - you’ll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever.”

“Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?”

“Well,” suggested the psychiatrist, “if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave.”

Another bad joke about psychiatrists

Another bad joke about psychiatrists

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GIRL : I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!

More Psych Jokes

Over drinks, one psychiatrist turned to the other and asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

"Once I had a patient who lived in a complete fantasy world," the second replied. "He actually believed he was Elvis's love child, and that he stood to inherit a fortune. For years he waited for a make-believe letter from a make-believe attorney. He never went out-- just sat around and waited."

"What was the result of treatment?"

"It was an eight-year struggle, but I finally cured him," the shrink said. "And then that stupid letter arrived."

.............

An older couple, both age 67, went to a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The psychiatrist looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the psychiatrist, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32, and I get $28 back from Medicare.

...........

Reflections on the advancement of Medicine.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root, it will cure you.
1000 A.D. - That root is poison, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is pure superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

...........

The secretary in the mental-health clinic chose a new screensaver -- a picture of a dancing teapot playing the children's song "I'm a Little Teapot." Seeing this, the clinic psychiatrist posted a message on the secretary's desk: "Your computer is suffering from an identity disorder."

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How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The staff have the keys!

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How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The inmates know who is really crazy.

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How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The Staff think that the electroshock machine isn't strong enough.

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How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The Staff gets to choose their own drugs.

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How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The Staff doesn't get the sedatives they deserve.

...........

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The patients sometimes get better.

More Psychiatrist jokes

How can you differentiate the patient from the psychiatrist on a Psych ward?

With luck, the patient gets better.

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How can you tell the psychiatrists from the patients on the psych ward?

The psychiatrists take their meds.

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Patient: "I can't decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out."

Psychiatrist: "You have difficulty making decisions."

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A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
- "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
- "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
- "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
- "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
- "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
- "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
- "So, what's your problem?"
- "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,
- "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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Dr. Jones, a young psychiatrist begins his practice in an office building. After several weeks, he realizes that the older man he usually sees in the elevator each morning and evening is Dr. Smith, also a psychiatrist.

Finally, after a month or two of frequently sharing the elevator, Dr. Jones pulls his skewed tie, rakes his fingers through his disarrayed hair and approaches his colleague: "Dr. Smith," he says. "Every day I step into this elevator in the evening, exhausted and frazzled by the gut-wrenching stories of my patients, and you appear as calm and cool as you do each morning. Tell me, tell me please how to do it? How do you maintain your equanimity after listening to the woes of your patients."

"My dear Dr. Jones," replied the older man. "Who listens?"

An Improvement in Psych Drugs?

Another psych joke, first seen here

Psychiatrist: I have good news. A new anti-depressant just hit the market. People are calling it a "miracle drug" so I'm going to prescribe it for you today.

Patient: Any side effects I should be aware of?

Psychiatrist: Subjects in the clinical trials did report a fair amount of weight gain.

Patient: Weight gain? Won't that make me more depressed?

Psychiatrist: Probably. That's why I'll also be prescribing a second pill which has been specifically designed to combat the depression caused by the first pill. It'll guarantee total and complete happiness.

Patient: What are the side effects for it?

Psychiatrist: Diarrhea. Horrible, non-stop diarrhea.

Psychiatrist Shop Talk

Another Psych Joke

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Treating Low Self Esteem

Another Psych Joke

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."