Entire US Population Is ‘Sick’ Declares Psychiatrist

As seen in the Spoof, a satirical website

In a stunning announcement today, the American Psycho-Practitioners Association (APPA) unveiled a new program that will label the entire US population as a “PTSD Nation.” Intended to be their flagship project, the APPA sees great potential for good, and not just for the psychiatric community.

Dr. Jimany Criquet, acting as spokesperson for the group, outlined the main features of the new program. His demeanor can be described as ‘anxious,’ though exceedingly ‘serious,’ not to say ‘frightening.’

“First of all,” Dr. Criquet insists, “it’s NOT a pogrom. There was a whisper campaign going on when the organization began planning, and I know who – John! – was behind it, but American citizens should be reassured that it is NOT a pogrom. We don’t have any authority; we’re not the government, and we won’t force citizens into ‘retraining’ camps or deny them health insurance because they have a pre-existing illness such as PTSD. No way.”

At this point he brought out a graph that seemed to show that 100% of the US population, including newborns, suffer from PTSD. Correspondents’ open, and silent, mouths seemed to speak volumes when Dr. Criquet confirmed that, yes indeed, ALL the US population, right from birth, were clinical anxiety sufferers. He brushed away queries about flashbacks in an infant, and hastened to bring out the points he wanted to make.

“Just think of it; just take a little moment to reflect. We in the psycho-practitioner business KNOW for a fact that birth is traumatic. We’ve studied it long and hard, watching thousands of hours of home video of various births, friends mostly, and we see the infant scream, the mother, too. You can’t have your mom screaming her head off as you’re trying to squeeze through. There’s the cold room and lights – who wouldn’t scream?

Criquet continued over the shouted questions of the reporters. “Let’s move on in the life-cycle, shall we? We know you don’t have to experience trauma first-hand to be traumaTIZED. Simply observing violence is enough. Our data show that every single person in the country, the world for that matter, every person with eyes and a brain experienced the 911 trauma. We also know that hardly anyone is being treated for it. Look around you and you’ll see just how dysfunctional our society is right now. It is undeniable: the whole country needs therapy. That’s all we’re saying.”

When the correspondents began to blink again, Criquet drew the press conference to a close with one statement. “I think John may be among the first to benefit by our world-changing pogrom, I mean, pROGRAm.”