In which someone questions the sanity of appearing on the talk show of TV Psychiatrist Dr Phil.
Does someone know something I don't know?
Why would Dr. Phil McGraw issue me a personal invitation to be a guest on his TV show? To be honest, I am not a daytime TV watcher - and am a selective TV watcher even when I do watch it.
I am more of the History Channel and Public Broadcasting type. I had never seen Dr. Phil in action until I received this invitation: "You have been invited to be part of the Dr. Phil Show." The invitation even said it included airfare and hotel accommodations. The show is filmed in Los Angeles.
I decided to take a look at Dr. Phil's show one afternoon. What I saw scared the bejeepers out of me: people baring their personal lives before a live audience and the millions of voyeurs glued to TV screens across America. What disturbed me most was that the guests on the show were getting chastised by the good doctor, who holds a string of degrees in clinical psychology from North Texas State University, with an emphasis on behavioral medicine.
Where did this Texas dude get my name, and why does he think I would go before a national audience and let him delve into my behavioral whatever? I checked him out on his website, which gave a laundry list of upcoming topics. I scanned the list, but so help me, I couldn't find any category I would fit into as a subject for Dr. Phil's brain-probing to reveal my flaws.
Don't get me wrong. I have plenty of flaws, but I remember once calling on an old newspaper friend who got his doctoral degree in education and was teaching English at a California university. I went to his house, rang the doorbell, and a maid answered the door. I told her I was there to see Dr. Williams.
Her reply was: "You know he ain't one of them doctors that can do you no good." Since I had worked with him as a reporter, I knew full well Dr. Williams might know a misplaced metaphor, but I wouldn't trust him with surgery on any of my misplaced body parts.
In fact, I found one of Dr. Phil's website disclaimers says as much: "He does not and will not administer individual, group or medical therapy; his advice, opinions or statements should not be considered ... (as such) ... or a substitute or replacement for those therapies."
In my opinion, anyone who would appear before a live audience and a bunch of TV voyeurs and bare their most intimate secrets needs a psychiatrist. I have long suspected that one of America's greatest problems is that we are a tell-all society.
The following list of topics for upcoming shows confirms my theory: "Is your mom a freeloader?" "Habitual gossiper?" "Is your child the biggest brat in America?" "Tired of daily screaming matches?" "Can't choose between two lovers?" "Involved in a sticky love triangle?" That is just the tip of the iceberg.
So help me, I may sound like a goody two-shoes, but none of the topics fits me. The show I might appear on would not get very high ratings because this guest would be a stick-in-the-mud, dull person with no titillating secrets to bare.
I had decided I was not a good candidate for Dr. Phil's advice, when up popped another invitation - this one to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. The invitation also offered me free airfare and hotel accommodations, but did give a warning that if I accepted, participation in her show was required.
Either some bad dude has stolen my identity and wants to bare his soul before God and everybody using my name on national TV, or those shows are really hard up for participants. I am declining both invitations and surrendering my 15-minute claim to fame on network TV.
The real Bill Duncan can be reached by writing to P.O. Box 812, Roseburg, OR 97470.
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