A classic bit of Satire from the Onion on the ability (or inability) of psychiatrists to actually cure someone of anything
After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems.
Watch:VIDEO: John Oliver Eviscerates the Stunningly Corrupt Practices of Big Pharma
John Oliver dug deep into the corrupt practices of the pharmaceutical industry in a 17-minute rant Sunday that will be one for the ages.
It's a must-watch video tha lays bare just how deeply invested Big Pharma is in getting doctors to prescribe their drugs to millions of people, no matter what. In fact, Oliver explains, Big Pharma spends much more on marketing to doctors than it does on research, or to marketing to us in television advertising. Why? Because we tend to trust our doctors. And if they say take this pill, we will.
Amidst the really alarming facts in Oliver's careful dissection of the issue are some pretty hilarious lines. At one point the HBO comedian compares drug compaines to high school boyfriends: "They're much more interested in getting inside you than in being effective once they are there."
There have been tiny glimmers of reform in Big Pharma's dishonest practices: Pharmaceutical reps are not allowed to take doctors out for lavish meals all the time, now. And the Affordable Care Act has helped set up a website which enables you to look up whose money your doctor is taking.
A Satire from the Onion, although the way drug companies operate, it makes you wonder sometimes.
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
We have come across this splendid little satire in which you can write you own drug commercial or invent your own drug print ad.
All courtesy of the fine folks at Ad Freaks who describe it this way.
The new fun thing online, apparently, is creating one's own fake drugs. A few months back, I created Dave-agra ("Dave" plus "Viagra." Don't ask!) at GetYourDrugOn.com, a site created by Door No. 3 for Cedra, a real overnight medical firm. The resulting phony slick print ad was fairly amusing.
Now, Holton Sentivan + Gury's self-promo site raises the dosage (ha!) by letting users make their own Big Pharma live-action TV spots. "There's money in drug advertising," the site explains. Fair enough.
My drug, flogged in the video above, is called Daveoxyn. The guy in the faux spot doesn't really look like me, but he captures my inner malaise and fear of losing what's left of my hair. At the end of the ad, he's shown blissed out and drooling, which is always my goal on Saturday night. If this were a Tylenol spot, sales would skyrocket. It would also probably work for Pepsi.
As seen at the Perry Bible Fellowship
Unfortunately this one is Not Safe For Work, dealing as it does, with adult topics.
Here is the Link:
Psychoanalyst
While looking through the main telescope of the Winkenblinken Public Observatory last month, prominent psychiatrist A. Gorden Crumgranit discovered a previously unknown planet revolving around a nearby star. Astronomers have confirmed that the planet, tentatively named "Pfizer-Glaxo", had never been charted before. They say Dr. Crumgranit was looking through the telescope at just the right moment to see starlight reflecting off of it.
Since that time, more powerful telescopes at better known observatories have been aimed at the planet, and they have found that it seems to have a very unusual and irregular orbit. Most astronomers interviewed about the planet have said they believe that it's erratic orbit is probably a sign of another, yet undiscovered, nearby star or large planet exerting a countervailing gravitational pull on it.
Dr. Crumgranit, however, says he believes the eccentricity is a sign of a chemical imbalance deep beneath the planet's surface. He said he thought the planet may have a deficiency of lithium in the elements that make up it's core, or perhaps too much iron, or some wrongly located serotonin. "Whatever it is," he said, "it is definitely something inside the planet that is causing this anomalie. Planets just don't behave this way unless there's something wrong with them."
When reporters inquired about the source of the proposed name, Winkenblinken Director Matt Grunion said it was Dr. Crumgranit's suggestion. Apparently he wanted to name the planet after the employers of the drug company representatives who had been buying him expensive dinners at posh area restaurants every day that week. So far there have been no objections, and revised astronomical charts are expected to show planet Pfizer-Glaxo on them in the near future.
(Be sure to check out our full collection of Psychiatrist Jokes)
Some more jokes about Psychiatrists:
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died. "
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you. "
Two psychiatrists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychiatrist looks old, worried and withered.
The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist.
He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. (verified true by Snopes)
The following telephone conversation took place:Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.
Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.
Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?
Agent: I have my check book right here.
Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza man: I don't think so.
Click.
A bit of a Satire on Psychiatrist as seen on You Tube:
As someone said, "Ok... for reals... this is what Therapists actually do."
Great Satire, as posted on this Blog. Again Tip of the hat to Furious Seasons
Jake and Mandi Donaldson were overjoyed when they learned that their dream of building a family would soon be realized. That joy rapidly turned to concern when the fetus began to exhibit bizarre behaviors that kept Mandi Donaldson awake late into the night. Doctors could not explain these episodes, despite numerous ultrasounds and maternal serum testing. The expectant couple finally found answers to their questions when the fetus was diagnosed with Fetal Bipolar Disorder.
The fetus, who Mandi Donaldson has named Piper, demonstrated extreme mood swings as early as 20 weeks. “Sometimes she would just lie there for hours, and other times she just couldn’t be still. She was completely erratic.” The symptoms worsened as the weeks went by with Piper’s agitation growing progressively stronger. “She started kicking me in the kidney over and over again. I knew something was definitely wrong, but I never suspected mental illness. I thought she was just a little shit.”
Dr. Matthew Pearson, chair of the newly developed Fetal Psychiatry Department at Johns Hopkins, says this type of behavior is characteristic of Fetal Bipolar Disorder. “These fetuses are very sick and very difficult to care for. They rapidly cycle between depression and mania, causing extreme distress for their mothers, including heartburn and frequent urge to urinate.”
Although the diagnosis of Fetal Bipolar Disorder has been in use since 2005, it gained much attention last month when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report showing that the number of new diagnoses had increased 300% in the past two years. The rising rates of Fetal Bipolar Disorder have been met with alarm by obstetricians who say that more research is needed in the field now that the diagnosis is being applied on a wide scale. Bart Mohan of the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology suggests that the current estimates of the prevalence of the disease may fall drastically short of the true number of cases.
“Look, we don’t know how many fetuses are affected by this disease. It could be thousands. There may be thousands more with subclinical symptoms. We need to develop standards of practice in treating these cases, but we can’t do that until we have accurate and reliable screening procedures. Obviously, the standard of practice is going to be immediate C-Section, but we at least need to give the impression we’re being scientific about it.”
Dr. Pearson agrees. He says treating a fetus with antipsychotics, the class of drugs often used for Bipolar Disorder, isn’t ethical. “We can’t force a fetus to take potentially harmful medications. We can force pregnant women to take the pills, but the drugs don’t pass the placental barrier well enough to be effective. We can more easily force infants to take medication, which is why we recommend delivering the baby early so that psychotropic therapy can start as soon as possible. Once they’re outside of the womb, we really don’t see it as an ethical problem.”
Still others question the validity of the diagnosis itself. Mary Jensen, spokesperson for Ohio Advocates for Mental Health Care Reform, believes there is little basis for diagnosing fetuses with psychiatric disease. “Are you ######## kidding? Seriously. Are you ####### kidding me?”
For Mandi and Jake Donaldson the evidence is clear. After weeks of worry, Mandi Donaldson is scheduled to deliver her baby on Monday. The Donaldsons say they were saddened at first, but now they feel comfortable raising a special-needs child.
“We will do everything possible to make sure our baby gets the best treatment available. She may never be normal, but we will always find joy in her,” said Mandi Donaldson.
Jake Donaldson added, “It’s just such a relief to finally have a diagnosis.”
A report from the Bonkers Institute for Nearly Genuine Research that discusses two cases in which complete relief from depression was achieved following the administration of large sums of money to the patients. Methodius Isaac Bonkers, M.D., Principal Investigator
Depression and anxiety are the most common mental disorders in America, affecting more than 60 million patients every year. Pharmacological interventions dominate the medical management of these disorders and may include selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (Prozac), norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (Strattera), monoamine oxidase inhibitors (Emsam), benzodiazepines (Valium), azaspirodecanediones (BuSpar), and any number of similarly efficacious drugs or drug combinations prescribed in accordance with strict FDA guidelines, or not, based on the treating physician's better judgment.Of course, this is a satire.
Since mental illness is a lifelong condition with no known cure, the successful psychopharmacological management of disorders such as depression or anxiety can be challenging. Treatment with medication almost inevitably results in side effects requiring additional medications leading to additional side effects necessitating still more medications in a self-perpetuating cycle that finally ends when the patient dies or the insurance runs out.
This report discusses two cases in which complete symptomatic relief was achieved following the administration of large sums of money to the patients. The comparative safety, efficacy, and tolerability of cash is assessed. Based on our findings, the clinical utility of monetary incentives in the form of cash deposits or lump sum payments directly to patients should be reappraised as a viable alternative therapeutic modality for the treatment of mild, moderate or severe cases of anxiety with or without co-occurring depression. Cash payment should also be considered the treatment of choice for all major depressive disorders including mild, moderate and severe clinical or sub-clinical depression, depressed moods, or any and all dysthymic, cyclothymic or depressive symptoms appearing with or without comorbid anxiety disorders.
Case report 1:
The patient is a 52-year old male with a history of depression. He reported feeling sad at various times throughout his life but did not seek treatment until age 51, when the factory where he had worked for 23 years was permanently shut down, costing him his pension and health insurance the same year his wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The patient was initially prescribed Paxil 20 mg, but after complaining of sleeplessness and expressing suicidal ideation, the dosage was increased to Paxil 40mg with Ambien 10mg prescribed for insomnia. Depressive symptoms improved somewhat, but constant diarrhea, headache and nausea grew intolerable, so a switch from Paxil to Zoloft 50mg was tried. Within 5 weeks the therapeutic effects of Zoloft became readily apparent: the patient stopped worrying about the future and no longer seemed concerned about his wife's failing health. Numerous treatment-emergent side effects were observed but the patient was reassured by his physician that chest pain, skin rash, constipation, tremor, dry mouth, hypertension and palpitations were not life threatening. One month later, pharmacotherapy was discontinued because the patient refused further treatment, claiming to be cured after winning $200,000 in the Illinois State Lottery. A computed tomographic brain scan confirmed the patient had indeed fully recovered (see images below).
[image] Brain scan of depressed patient.
[image] Brain scan of lottery winner
Case report 2:
The patient is a 27-year old female diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. She reported feeling nervous and fearful most of the time, constantly worried about one thing or another, and doubted her fitness as a single mother of four children aged 1-4. The patient responded well to Xanax 0.25mg with only minor side effects including dizziness, impaired coordination, and blurred vision. One month into treatment, the positive effects of Xanax 0.25mg diminished noticeably, but symptoms again improved when the dosage was doubled to 0.5mg. Two weeks later, following a traffic accident for which she was ticketed, the patient reported feeling more anxious than ever, complained of nausea and vomiting in addition to increased dizziness and blurred vision, and now exhibited signs of depression as well. After several difficult weeks the patient was weaned off Xanax, whereupon combination therapy with Lexapro 10mg and Cymbalta 60mg was initiated. At the regularly scheduled 3-month follow-up examination, all symptoms of anxiety and nervousness had completely disappeared. The patient reported zero medication side effects, explaining that she had discarded the unopened packages of Lexapro and Cymbalta upon learning she had inherited $250,000 from a distant relative. Laboratory tests were unable to verify any causal link between the inheritance of a quarter of a million dollars and the patient's subsequent recovery, but ongoing clinical evaluation and comprehensive reassessment confirmed significant improvement from baseline. Positive outcome was corroborated by visual examination of a mood ring worn by the patient (see images below).
[image] Suffering from chronic anxiety, patient's mood ring appears green, indicating tension.
[image] After inheriting $250,000, patient's mood ring appears blue, indicating tranquility.
Analysis and Conclusions
The brain chemistry of depression and anxiety is not fully understood. However, a growing body of evidence supports the view that people with these disorders have an imbalance of the brain's neurotransmitters. (Lexapro Product Brochure, Forest Pharmaceuticals, 2007.)
Psychiatric medications relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety by restoring chemical balance within the brain, but exactly how these drugs restore the brain's chemical balance while simultaneously wreaking havoc on every other organ in the body remains a mystery. Equally mysterious is the mechanism by which cash payments provide therapeutic benefit to depressed and anxious patients. The receipt of a large sum of money may somehow stimulate, increase, block, adjust or otherwise act upon the level, supply, transmission, inhibition, secretion or bodily excretion of dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, acetylcholine, gamma-aminobutyric acid, dihydrogen monoxide, propylene glycol or some other chemical compound yet to be discovered.
Elation and euphoria are the most common side effects associated with cash. The favorable side effect profile and high response rate compared to placebo are the main advantages of cash over standard pharmaceutical treatment, while the major disadvantage of cash would appear to be its prohibitive cost. However, retrospective analysis supports the hypothesis that over the long haul cash is not only safer but also more cost-effective than any medication currently on the market.
A depressed and/or anxious patient is typically maintained for an indefinite period of time on two or more psychiatric drugs simultaneously, in addition to numerous other medications prescribed to control side effects ranging from diabetes to high blood pressure to urinary incontinence to insomnia to everything in between. The cost of maintaining a patient on a standard treatment regimen of half a dozen or more prescription drugs might easily surpass $1,200 per month, amounting to roughly $150,000 over the course of ten years, or nearly $300,000 after 20 years. Seen in this light, a lump sum payment of $100,000 or even $200,000 would be a genuine bargain by comparison. Cash-strapped state Medicaid programs squeezed by escalating pharmaceutical costs would be well-advised to adopt formulary guidelines and preferred drug lists authorizing pre-approved cash payments as a treatment alternative.
In a random survey, 3,964 Medicaid patients were asked whether they would prefer to receive various combinations of prescription drugs for the rest of their lives, or a single lump sum payment of $250,000. The vast majority (99.93%) chose the cash option. A total of 3 patients (0.07%) elected to continue receiving medications in lieu of cash. All three of these patients appeared to be truly sick, and in each case the illness was iatrogenic (i.e., resulting from treatment).
Satire from the Spoof website:
Although Miley Cyrus's name change barely registering on the media's radar as a blip, Dr. Phil may have just finished taping his last show dedicated to examining the tidbits of the fractured life of yet another celebrity. All in a vain attempt to appease his (and our) subconscious fetish with them.
At this last taping, the studio audience must have sensed Dr. Phil's Achilles heal as they sat nervously quiet during the entire three hour marathon taping without being permitted leave their seats even to take a bathroom break behind chain locked studio doors.
"Come on people, if I have been over this once, I have been over this a thousand times today," said Dr. Phil, his wife noticeably missing from the studio and looking disheveled wearing a short sleeved shirt without his customary tie and business suit jacket. "Now I'm not letting you all out of here until you agree with me."
"Dr. Phil acted like a mad man," said Marie Hernandez, who finally was released from the Dr. Phil studio after the fire department cut the chains from the studio doors, citing the show's producers for a safety code violation. "We were all scared to death. We didn't know what to think or do. So we just sat there the entire time hoping somebody would notice that 100 people were missing for over three hours."
The show's producers attempted to explain that Dr. Phil just could not seem to get over the Britney Spears incident and in recent months had been unsuccessfully treating himself.
"In my experience, as a fully credentialed psychiatrist," said Dr. Phil. "It is not too uncommon of a practice for an individual to change their name to psychologically distance themselves away from their family and so-called friends that stab you in the back on a national morning TV show. That's why I'm taking this opportunity to announce that I have decided to support Miley Cyrus's decision to change her name by joining her in changing my name too. From now on, I'm no longer Dr. Phil. I am Dr. Punxsutawney Phil."
Dr. Phil then existed the studio stage floor as the fire department entered through the doors, but before he disappeared from sight, Dr. Phil turned back glancing over the studio once more and saying to the audience, "You won't be seeing me around here for a while. Not even my shadow."
No one has filed charges against Dr. Phil for false imprisonment; or are any expected ever to be filed because audience members all signed waivers, said the show's producers.
Looks like somebody is going to come forward and own up to the Obay Viral Marketing campaign. As reported in the Torontoist
Since fake pharmaceutical ads for a drug called "Obay" starting appearing across Ontario (and elsewhere) last week, everyone from street artist Frank Shepard Fairey (aka OBEY) to Scientologists to comedian Maggie Cassella has been fingered as the culprit behind them.
Last Friday, three days after the ads seem to have launched, we traced them, with no small amount of confidence, to a substantially less dramatic source––Colleges Ontario, an advocacy organization representing twenty-four colleges across the province. The organization would neither confirm nor deny their involvement to either Torontoist or, several days later, to The Star, but still told us all to wait a few weeks for...something. As far as mysterious ad campaigns go, this one was almost perfect: only breadcrumbs to trace back to the source, a city left to talk about the ad and its message and what it all meant (which, of course, was precisely the point).
But it's finally official: Rob Savage, Colleges Ontario's Director of Communications, called Torontoist moments ago to confirm that Colleges Ontario is indeed behind the ads, and the organization just sent out a press release with information about a media launch event next Monday that promises to reveal "the news behind Obay and its side effects on Ontario’s Post-secondary Education."
UPDATE: Seems like there is more news on this viral campaign.
As first seen here:
It’s obvious that the product doesn’t actually exist and that it’s some sort of viral marketing campaign. As for what the campaign is meant to promote, most people with whom I’ve spoken to about the ads think that it’s some kind of jab at parents who are following the disturbing trend of medicating their teenage kids out of normal teenage behaviour and into Stepford adolescence.Of course, what would it be without the pictures (Link 1) (Link 2) You can also click on the pictures below for your own full size copies.
One person on the TorCamp mailing list wrote that a colleague doing consulting work for a nearby college says that it’s an ad campaign for Ontario colleges.
I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.
Yet another satirical piece about Dr. Phil from The Spoof:
Just moments after a representative for the Spears family, appeared on the "Today" show, accusing Dr. Phil of betraying Britney and the Spears' family trust, lawyers for the Spears filed for a temporary restraining order (TRO) in the Los Angeles Superior Court against him.We also remind people, that, as documented in Wikipedia, Dr. Phil McGraw is NOT licensed to practice psychology:
Filings ask the court to order Dr. Phil to say at least 100 yards away form anyone of the Spears family members, including the unborn child Jamie Lynn Spears is carrying to term.
According to court pleadings, the Spears family alleges that Dr. Phil has been stalking them for months now under the guise of treating their dysfunctional family for various substance additions and disorders.
"At first we welcomed Dr. Phil into our homes, hearts and minds," read the Spears' court documents. "We trusted him implicitly with all our secret drug addictions, alcoholism, underage pre-martial sex with male adults, acute stage mom syndrome, mass hysteria and delusions of grandeur, but he betrayed us."
Dr. Phil was just using the Spears family to forward his own career as psychiatrist to the stars and bring up the ratings on his show, according to the documents.
"We first began to suspect Dr. Phil of stalking us when he kept on insisting on asking us for our autographs after each and every session," stated the court papers. "He said it was his fee for his services rendered, but we knew what it was really for. He was collecting our signatures on the checks we wrote to him to sell on ebay."
Canceled checks written to Dr. Phil from the Spears family were submitted to the court as evidence for the TRO.
Even more startling is the Spears' allegation that Dr. Phil is a serial celebrity stalker. The Spears' reason that Dr. Phil was really using his professional medical training to help celebrities not just stalk them, they would have been cured by now.
"He is using his professional medical training just to get close to Hollywood movie stars, which he really has no intention of helping or curing," the Spears' accuse. "Why just take a look at us, we have been under his care for several months now, and we're worst off than before. Britney still lost custody of the kids, had a breakdown and Lynn has a bun in the oven from a guy who should be in prison for statuary rape."
The Texas State Board of Examiners of Psychologists imposed disciplinary sanctions on McGraw on January 27, 1989 for an inappropriate "dual relationship" reported in 1988 by a therapy client/employee from 1984. McGraw was ordered by the Board to take an ethics class, pass a jurisprudence exam, complete a physical evaluation, undergo a psychological evaluation and have his practice supervised for one year in order to continue his private practice in Texas. McGraw admits to giving the client a "job" at his office (which is not allowed), but denied carrying on a sexual relationship with the 19 year old, who says their relationship was "sexually inappropriate."[11][2][12] As of 2008, McGraw has not completed the conditions imposed by the Board of Examiners of Psychologists and he is not licensed to practice psychology.[13]And in something that is not satire, but could very well be, Dr. Phil tackles the toughest subject of all: Trash talk and "racism" on Xbox Live. Too bad Xbox Live has had a 95% downtime so far this year. Gamers around the world are snickering at this one, and Dr. Phil is becoming famous as the next Jerry Springer
In a hopefully final note, we came across this satire of Dr Phil and his handling of the Britney Spears case:
In case you missed the memo, today’s episode of “Dr. Phil,” which was supposed to be a full hour devoted to Britney and her current situation, was yanked from the air and replaced by a repeat at the last minute because Dr. Phil felt the situation was “too intense.”
Just so we don’t go home completely empty-handed, here’s an artist’s conception of what we missed.
DR. PHIL: Welcome to the show. Today, we’re spending the entire hour talking about Britney Spears with those who know her best — these random tv psychologists who we managed to book at the last minute.
PSYCHOLOGIST GUY WHO LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE THE BRITISH JUDGE ON “DANCING WITH THE STARS”: Glad to be here, Dr. Phil.
DR. PHIL: Let’s talk about Britney. I mean, what is her deal, yo? [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES AT COMFORTABLE, GOOD-NATURED UNPROFESSIONALISM] I mean, what the hell, dammit?
PSYCHOLOGIST: Let me start by saying that numerous layers of psychological, emotional, spiritual, and even frenological factors come into play when you’re dealing with a celebrity of this magnitude.
[CHYRON APPEARS - “Dr. James R. Stephenson, Blazer-Wearing Man Who Has Heard Of Britney]
DR. PHIL: But damnit, at what point is enough enough??
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AFTER 1.5 SECONDS OF APPLAUSE-MILKING SILENCE]
PSYCHOLOGIST: We see this all the time in celebrities. I spent two years reading about Loni Anderson back when that whole thing was going on, so I know how tough it can be, there simply is no quick fix.
DR. PHIL: We all know Britney has a terrific, supportive family, but at some point you have to say, you know, “What the hell am I doin’? I need to knock it off!”
[ONE PERSON IMMEDIATELY STARTS APPLAUDING REALLY LOUDLY, REST OF AUDIENCE FOLLOWS SUIT]
DR. PHIL: We’ll be right back.
[LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR OUTRO. THE OPTIMUM ONLINE TRIPLE PLAY COMMERCIAL PLAYS SEVEN TIMES. LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR INTRO]
DR. PHIL: We learned a lot today about Britney’s situation — probably 10, 15 percent of this we didn’t even cover the last time we devoted an entire hour-long episode to Britney.
The point is, the harder I try to draw psychological paralells between Britney’s craziness and general, everyday advice for our viewers, the more clear it becomes that these Britney episodes are completely irredeemable ratings ploys. Not that that’s a secret or anything, but damnit, why the hell does it have to be so obvious??
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Dr. Phil: Tomorrow, we’ll bring Dick Masterson and that black woman who hates blacks into the studio to discuss the psychology of lesbian threesomes, and whether or not troubled pop star Britney Spears would go for one. The episode will be so technological and informative, simply watching it qualifies your for 9 Psych credits at any state university. So stay tuned.
[LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR OUTRO LONG VERSION PLAYS, TURNS INTO ROCKIN’ ELECTRIC GUITAR OVERTOP APPLAUSE AND THE CREDITS. NINETY MINTUES OF THE OPTIMUM ONLINE TRIPLE PLAY AD PLAYS ON A LOOP.]
Having noticed web traffic looking for this article, we are providing for the benefit of readers a full copy of the satire with the title “The Diagnosis and Treatment of Childhood”, which also fits well with the satire "Babies: 100% suffer from Depression" cited earlier on this site. Note that the actual title this satire is not “The Diagnosis and Treatment of Childhood”, but is rather is “The Etiology and Treatment of Childhood”. It still works.
The Etiology and Treatment of Childhood
by Jordan W. Smoller
University of Pennsylvania
http://users.erols.com/geary/humor/
Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well have been what we now call "children." The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this century, when so-called "child psychologists" and "child psychiatrists" became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on self-reports which may be subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion.
The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association (1990). Clinicians are still in disagreement about the significan clinical features of childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the following core features:Congenital onset
Dwarfism
Emotional lability and immaturity
Knowledgy deficits
Legume anorexia
Clinical Features of Childhood
Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional treatment of childhood, the five clinical markers mentioned above merit further discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient population.
CONGENITAL ONSET
In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple-Black (1982) has noted that childhood is almost always present at birth, although it may go undetected for years or even remain subclinical indefinitely. This observation has led some investigators to speculate on biological contribution to childhood. As one psychologist has put it, "we may soon be in a position to distinguish organic childhood from functional childhood" (Rogers, 1979).
DWARFISM
This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood. It is widely known that children are physically short relative to the population at large. Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests that the treatment of the so-called "small child" (or "tot") is particularly difficult. These children are known to exhibit infantile behavior and display a startling lack of insight (Tom and Jerry, 1967).
EMOTIONAL LABILITY AND IMMATURITY
This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's diagnosis. As a result, many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as children and must suffer the unnecessary social stigma of being labelled a "child" by professionals and friends alike.
KNOWLEDGE DEFICITS
While many children have IQs with or even above the norm, almost all will manifest knowledge deficits. Anyone who has known a real child has experienced the frustration of trying to discuss any topic that requires some general knowledge. Children seem to have little knowledge about the world they live in. Politics, art, and science--children are largely ignorant of these. Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad fact that most children have few friends who are not, themselves, children.
LEGUME ANOREXIA
This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom is supported by empirical observation--children will rarely eat their vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review).
Causes of Childhood
Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood? Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below.
Sociological Model
Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes of childhood. He points out two key observations about children:
the vast majority of children are unemployed, and
children represent one of the least educated segments of our society. In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than fourth grad education.
Clearly, children are an "out-group." Because of their intellectual handicap, children are even denied the right to vote. From the sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are so incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply not competent to work. One promising rehabilitaion program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978) has trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.
Biological Model
The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood runs in families. Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed that even most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point. Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli and Din, 1950) indicated that family childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members may have childhood.
Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost always a child as well.
Psychological Models
A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more familiar models are Seligman's "learned childishness" model. According to this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have claimed that childhood does not really exist. Szasz (1980) has called "childhood" an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labelling them "children."
Treatment of Childhood
Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in modern times, however, have human and systematic treatment protocols been applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in our history. to paraphrase P.T. Barnum: "There's a child born every minute."
The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the largest single program for the treatment of childhood-- so-called "public schools." Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into treatment groups based on the severity of their condition. For example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in a "kindergarten" program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally immature, and intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual, therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting).
Unfortunately, the "school" system has been largely ineffective. Not only is the problem a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down the rising incidence of childhood.
Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in their clinical intervention.
By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned. Even after years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The following case (taken from Gumbie and Poke, 1957) is typical.
Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his parents. Billy's affliction was painfully obvious. He stood only 4'3" high and weighed a scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that he ate voraciously. Billy presented a variety of troubling symptoms. His voice was noticably high for a man. He displayed legume anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused to bathe. His intellectual functioning was also below normal--he had little general knowledge and could barely write a structured sentence. Social skills were also deficient. He often spoke inappropriately and exhibited "whining behaviour." His sexual experience was non-existent. Indeed, Billy considered women "icky." His parents reported that his condition had been present from birth, improving gradually after he was placed in a school at age 5. The diagnosis was "primary childhood." After years of painstaking treatment, Billy improved gradually. At age 11, his height and weight have increased, his social skills are broader, and he is now functional enough to hold down a "paper route."
After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of the childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale longitudinal study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of childhood at 6.4 years.
At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that childhood is a refractory disorder--virtually all symptoms persisted and the treatment group was only slightly better off than the controls.
The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly, & Shemp, 1984) assessed the original cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity were assessed with standard measures. Height was assess by the "metric system" (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1968). Moe et al. found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach to childhood.
These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of childhood may not be so bad as we have feared. We must not, however, become too complacent. Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission rate, childhood remains one of the most serious and rapidly growing disorders facing mental health professionals today. And, beyond the psychological pain it brings, childhood has recently been linked to a number of physical disorders. Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox, measles, and mumps among children as compared with normal controls. Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked childhood to an elevated risk of accidents--compared with normal adults, victims of childhood were much more likely to scrape their knees, lose their teeth, and fall off their bikes.
Clearly, much more research is need before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked by this insidious disorder.
REFERENCES
American Psychiatric Association (1990). The diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 4th edition: A preliminary report. Washington, D.C.; APA.
Barby, B., & Kenn, K. (1971). The plasticity of behavior. In B. Barby & K. Kenn (Eds.), Psychotherapies R Us. Detroit: Ronco press.
Flintstone, F., & Jetson, G. (1939). Cognitive mediation of labour disputes. Industrial Psychology Today, 2, 23-35.
Fudd, E.J. (1972). Locus of control and shoe-size. Journal of Footwear Psychology, 78, 345-356.
Gumbie, G., & Pokey, P. (1957). A cognitive theory of iron- smelting. Journal of Abnormal Metallurgy, 45, 235-239.
Howdi, C., Doodi, C., & Beauzeau, C. (1965). Western civilization: A review of the literature. Reader's digest, 60, 23-25.
Moe, R., Larrie, T., and Kirly, Q. (1974). State childhood versus trait childhood. TV Guide, May 12-19, 1-3.
Moe, R., Larrie, T., Kirly, Q. (1974). Spontaneous remission of childhood. In W.C. Fields (Ed.), New Hope for Children and Animals. Hollywood: Acme Press.
Popeye, T.S.M. (1957). The use of spinach in extreme circumstances. Journal of Vegetable Science, 58, 530-538.
Popeye, T.S.M. (1968). Spinach: A phenomenological perspective. Existential botany, 35, 908-813.
Rogers, F. (1979). Becoming my neighbour. New York: Soft Press.
Ruler, Y. (1923). Assessing measurements protocols by the multi-method multiple regression index for the psychometric analysis of factorial interaction. Annals of Boredom, 67, 1190-1260.
Spanky, D., & Alfalfa, Q. (1978). Coping with puberty. Sears catalog, 45-46.
Suess, D.R. (1983). A psychometric analysis of green eggs with and without ham. Journal of Clinical Cuisine, 245, 567-578.
Temple-Black, S. (1982). Childhood: an ever-so sad disorder. Journal of Precocity, 3, 129-134.
Tom, C., & Jerry, M. (1967). Human behavior as a model for understanding the rat. In M. de Sade (Ed.). The Rewards of Punishment. Paris: Bench Press.
A satire from the Spoof website
American's favorite country psychiatrist, Dr. Phil, volunteered to psychoanalyze kid who started Southern California wildfires to determine if he is in fact an arsonist or just a mischievous 9-year-old boy who should not have been playing with matches during fire season and in especially high winds. The diagnoses took place on a Burbank studio back lot before a live audience of the Dr. Phil Show taped for later broadcast.
"Well, I can tell you it is my professional opinion, as a licensed and fully accredited psychiatrist, that the boy is no arsonist," said Dr. Phil to an applauding studio audience.
"Now, normally I would recommend hundreds of billing hours worth of psycho therapy that would amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars paid out to me," continued Dr. Phil. "But the boy's folks are dirt poor. So this is what I'm going to recommend to y'all is that I take the boy out behind the shed I had especially had constructed just for this occasion right here on our Burbank studio lot for a good old fashion whipping. In fact, with the parents consent, I'm going to do that right now. Now where did I put my switch?"
At that point, the 9-year-old boy bolted from the stage and into the studio audience with Dr. Phil in hot pursuit.
"That's right, you better run boy!" said Dr. Phil. "Because I'm your worst nightmare, a licensed and fully accredited psychiatrist with a signed and notarized waiver from your parents that says I can give you a whipping for starting that fire."
Audience members then joined Dr. Phil in chasing the boy throughout the studio until he ran outside.
It was dusk by then so Dr. Phil and his studio audience took a moment to light up their torches he prescribes to his studio audience members as parting gifts to remember his show by and use back at their villages to burn witches or storm any nearby castle that houses any enlightened well reasoned out thought.
Dr. Phil paused to caution his studio audience on the uses of his prescription torches while he lit his up.
"Now remember, 'said Dr. Phil while lighting his torch. "Y'all are only supposed to use these patent pending medically subscribed 'Dr. Phil Soothing Menthol Scented Medical Torches' of mine in a state of panic, or when you take leave of your senses, or during thoughtless moments filled with rage. Not emotional outbursts or when you're think you're not thinking rationally. We got drugs for that. No. These prescription torches are for mindless mob action only. Y'all got that. Good. Now someone lend me there lighter, mine's all out of fluid."
At last reports, the boy was headed to the Hollywood Hills with Dr. Phil and his studio audience in pursuit, still with torches in hand and a camera crew in tow.
An excellent satire and commentary in the World Net Daily about the state of modern psychiatry Here are some snippets:
Socrates (470-399 B.C.) was a famous Greek philosopher from Athens who taught Plato, and Plato taught Aristotle. Socrates used a method of teaching by asking questions. The Greeks called this form "dialectic" – starting from a thesis or question, then discussing ideas and moving back and forth between points of view to determine how well ideas stand up to critical review with the ultimate principle of the dialogue being veritas – Truth.After a delicious parade of psychiatric heroes who explain their therapies, admitting that each of their therapies give "no regard to morality, religion or the metaphysical realm" we reach the conclusion:
Socrates: We are gathered here today at my academy to discuss and hopefully resolve an exceedingly vexing societal problem: Are America's psychiatrists, psychologist and clinicians responsible doctors that promote healing, or licensed drug pushers that habitually over medicate their patients for craven expediency and crass monetary gain?
Psychiatric community: (collective gasp!) We didn't come here to be lectured to by you, Socrates! We are respected doctors of the community and will not have our integrity impugned by a mere philosopher.
Socrates: Indeed. Before we begin this symposium, I would like to direct your attention to the recent case of Rebecca Riley, a 4-year-old little girl who tragically died Dec. 13, 2006, from a fatal overdose of medicines her parents administered to their child to treat her so-called bipolar disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, including clonidine, valproic acid, depakote, dextromethorphan and chlorpheniramine.
As if the death of their only child wasn't enough to endure, now the little girl's parents and their psychiatrist have been brought up on charges of murder. My question to the members of this symposium is this – does medication = healing?
We have heard from the five psychological schools of thought and the primary progenitors of each school, which all advocate in one form or another what Freud proposed: 1) all talk; 2) all drugs; 3) more talk/less drugs; 4) less talk/more drugs; 5) no talk/all drugs; 6) shock therapy; and 7) hypnotherapy.Worth Reading in full.
[...]
Dr. Freud, since you and your progeny prefer to treat the symptoms rather than the cause of your patients' mental illness, this catastrophic state of affairs has only led an entire generation of people who in my day would be considered "normal" children in need of a parent's loving care, attention and protection, to instead be manipulated for craven medical expediency and crass financial gain by these legalized drug pushers, and condemned to an early grave.
